Post by Admin on Jul 5, 2024 22:38:55 GMT
Happy 4th of July! Let Freedom Ring. Happy Used to be Independence Day.
As I reflect on this Independence Day, I'm confronted with deep questions about my past and the manipulations and lies that have left me feeling broken. Every day feels like a battle to stay afloat in a boat that’s constantly filling with water. Just when I think I can breathe again, the cycle repeats, bringing me closer to sinking.
The Struggles of Childhood
My childhood was not just about being a rebellious kid. It was about surviving with uneducated, unparented, immature teen parents who lived and died in chaos. The only semblance of stability came when my father remarried.
Resource: Understanding Childhood Trauma - National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Adulting is Soup and I’m a Fork
Life feels overrated and full of bullshit. If you play the dishonest, scamming game, you fit right in. But if you work hard and provide for yourself, you're often taken advantage of by those who exploit the system. I was just trying to survive, not skipping out on my kids or abusing them. I feared losing them and became the exact opposite of my abusive upbringing.
Tool: Self-Care for Survivors of Abuse - HAVOCA.ORG
Begging for Love
Desperation led me to beg for love from those who should have loved me. I chased unreliable men and hoped for the best from people who repeatedly let me down. My children, who I loved deeply, turned on me. My daughter, who was my best friend and my joy, walked out of my life, knowing it would destroy me.
For over a year, she hasn't let me in. She knew leaving would tear me apart, and she stuck to her decision without looking back. The court documents against me were filled with lies, and three months after leaving, they tried to take child support from me, despite never contributing a dime in sixteen years.
Resource: Rebuilding After Toxic Relationships - Psychology Today.
A Year of Pain and Reflection
I've cried publicly for over a year, begging the universe for her to acknowledge me. She refuses to care, living her life while I mourn our relationship. My efforts to provide a better childhood than mine were in vain. I worshipped her, but she betrayed me.
My son also left, turning on me because I wouldn't let him sell pot or skip school. He ran off, spreading lies about me, which strangers believed and attacked me for. Both my children manipulated and used me, leaving me feeling like a mistake, a monster unworthy of a family.
The Pain of Loss
As I sit here on the 4th of July, I reflect on my childhood and my children. I was programmed wrong, without self-esteem, recovery, or direction. My parents were abusive, broken adults who died without changing. My brother stole from me, and my son called me a loser. Despite it all, I am a first-generation college graduate, living independently and striving for a better life.
Tool: Journaling for Emotional Healing - Positive Psychology.
The Cycle of Abuse and Recovery
Reflecting on my past, I see the cycle of abuse and chaos that defined my childhood. My parents did the best they could, but it wasn't enough. I never received therapy, love, or affirmation. Now, as an adult, I grapple with these feelings, trying to break free from the past and build a better future.
Resource: Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) - ASCA Support.
Conclusion
On this 4th of July, I acknowledge the pain and struggles that have shaped me. Independence Day serves as a reminder of the freedom we all seek, not just from external oppression but from the internal battles we fight every day. My journey is ongoing, and while the pain is real, so is my determination to overcome and find a better path forward.
Actionable Step: Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy to help navigate the complex emotions and experiences of your past. Explore resources like Therapy for Black Girls or BetterHelp for accessible mental health support.
As I reflect on this Independence Day, I'm confronted with deep questions about my past and the manipulations and lies that have left me feeling broken. Every day feels like a battle to stay afloat in a boat that’s constantly filling with water. Just when I think I can breathe again, the cycle repeats, bringing me closer to sinking.
The Struggles of Childhood
My childhood was not just about being a rebellious kid. It was about surviving with uneducated, unparented, immature teen parents who lived and died in chaos. The only semblance of stability came when my father remarried.
Resource: Understanding Childhood Trauma - National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Adulting is Soup and I’m a Fork
Life feels overrated and full of bullshit. If you play the dishonest, scamming game, you fit right in. But if you work hard and provide for yourself, you're often taken advantage of by those who exploit the system. I was just trying to survive, not skipping out on my kids or abusing them. I feared losing them and became the exact opposite of my abusive upbringing.
Tool: Self-Care for Survivors of Abuse - HAVOCA.ORG
Begging for Love
Desperation led me to beg for love from those who should have loved me. I chased unreliable men and hoped for the best from people who repeatedly let me down. My children, who I loved deeply, turned on me. My daughter, who was my best friend and my joy, walked out of my life, knowing it would destroy me.
For over a year, she hasn't let me in. She knew leaving would tear me apart, and she stuck to her decision without looking back. The court documents against me were filled with lies, and three months after leaving, they tried to take child support from me, despite never contributing a dime in sixteen years.
Resource: Rebuilding After Toxic Relationships - Psychology Today.
A Year of Pain and Reflection
I've cried publicly for over a year, begging the universe for her to acknowledge me. She refuses to care, living her life while I mourn our relationship. My efforts to provide a better childhood than mine were in vain. I worshipped her, but she betrayed me.
My son also left, turning on me because I wouldn't let him sell pot or skip school. He ran off, spreading lies about me, which strangers believed and attacked me for. Both my children manipulated and used me, leaving me feeling like a mistake, a monster unworthy of a family.
The Pain of Loss
As I sit here on the 4th of July, I reflect on my childhood and my children. I was programmed wrong, without self-esteem, recovery, or direction. My parents were abusive, broken adults who died without changing. My brother stole from me, and my son called me a loser. Despite it all, I am a first-generation college graduate, living independently and striving for a better life.
Tool: Journaling for Emotional Healing - Positive Psychology.
The Cycle of Abuse and Recovery
Reflecting on my past, I see the cycle of abuse and chaos that defined my childhood. My parents did the best they could, but it wasn't enough. I never received therapy, love, or affirmation. Now, as an adult, I grapple with these feelings, trying to break free from the past and build a better future.
Resource: Adult Survivors of Child Abuse (ASCA) - ASCA Support.
Conclusion
On this 4th of July, I acknowledge the pain and struggles that have shaped me. Independence Day serves as a reminder of the freedom we all seek, not just from external oppression but from the internal battles we fight every day. My journey is ongoing, and while the pain is real, so is my determination to overcome and find a better path forward.
Actionable Step: Consider joining a support group or seeking therapy to help navigate the complex emotions and experiences of your past. Explore resources like Therapy for Black Girls or BetterHelp for accessible mental health support.